Nervousness

Welcome, dear nervous feeling. I was wondering when you'd creep up.

These past five months have been filled with paperwork, tests, meetings and school supply shopping. I've kept busy and gone through the motions of everyday life. Now, with just two weeks left and only a few more formalities, I am starting to get that certain feeling in my stomach and heaviness in my heart that tells me a major life change is about to take place. I suppose you call this feeling "nervous". I am not worried about how things will go, or scared that I will fail; however when a change takes place, no matter how prepared I am or how much I welcome the difference in life, I can't help but feel anxious and a bit nervous.

Some changes do bring fear and a uncertainty to my mind. Will I fail? Will this be a mistake? However, starting school and sending Braydon to preschool doesn't feel that way to me. It most certainly isn't a mistake, and I know that I will do everything I can to succeed in my classes, yet still the nervousness is ever present. I was getting ready to go to the school today to complete the preschool registration process for Braydon when the nervousness started to sink in. I couldn't eat breakfast this morning (still haven't) and my heart started to beat harder as I got Braydon dressed. I haven't been able to focus on anything 100% and as I was driving to the school, the palms of my hands got sweaty. It's official, I'm nervous.

The feeling is mostly for Braydon. My first, and only child is about to begin school. This is the first year of many to come, where my baby will be sent off to a classroom and will learn the wonders of education. I will no longer be the only major "teacher" in his life. Sure, he's been cared for by babysitters and our family and friends have had some influence in what he has been taught these first three years, but I have been the main educator in his life. I taught him, among other things, how to walk and talk, how to eat with a fork and use the potty, to share his toys and sing his alphabet. As early as my pregnancy, I have considered the fact that other people will teach my child, and I have viewed it as a positive thing. Obviously he will go to school and learn from a teacher, but there are so many things that I can not teach him that I want him to learn: how to musical instruments, how to surf, to fish, to play sports, etc. I have always known that in order to be a well rounded person, he would need to have a wide array of teachers through out his life. However, now that the dawn is upon us, I am feeling nervous and judgemental.

I have spoken to two different women from the preschool so far. One of the woman is seems confident, clear spoken and professional. The other appears to be the exact opposite. I realize that sending Braydon to the on-campus preschool (or Early Childhood Education Center) means that he will be supervised and taught by students in who are enrolled in the Early Childhood Education program, as well as the director/teachers of those classes. I am OK with that, but for some reason when I was on the phone with this girl, who spoke in a very small voice and stuttered when she answered my questions, I found myself questioning if this was the right choice. I pride myself on not being a judgemental person, but there I was, judging her. I realize that Braydon will encounter all types of people during his life, and I think that is a beautiful thing, but because I have gone through a selection of child care providers, all of whom ending up being a big mistake, I now find myself feeling nervous about who will be caring for my child. There are plenty of other reasons I should be nervous about sending him to school, and starting school myself, but this is what brought it on. For now, I will be keeping an open mind and reminding myself that we are all different, and this quiet, stuttering woman on the phone may be nervous as well.